milk maid

Today, for the first time, I went out with my sisters and my baby, and we stayed out for several hours. We took Lizzy out to show her around the funner parts of Provo and Orem, and when it was time to feed Olivia, I didn't rush home to do so. I borrowed my sister's nursing cover, and nursed Olivia right where I was. I love having a wireless, portable kid. I am so grateful that she's been able to learn to nurse, and that she actually seems to prefer it to any other form of eating. Including her tube.

But since I have never before allowed myself or my daughter to be in this situation before (previously, I had rigorously planned outings for days when I knew precisely how much Livie had ingested, at precisely what time she would need to eat again, and even then only at times when we'd be sure to return home for the next feeding) I had yet to closely examine my feelings about breastfeeding in public.

My first memory of breastfeeding in public isn't really all that public. It was my friend Timmy's mom, in her own living room, talking with my mom while I played with Timmy and his little brother. I remember being somewhat shocked that other moms did this, too. I guess I thought Lizzy was the only baby who was ever breastfed. Like my mom had a special power that others did not possess. Years later, I learned that Timmy's mom had fought and won a battle with breast cancer. I don't know why, but the two images have always been connected in my mind: breastfeeding in public, and breast cancer. Can anyone explain that one for me?

Anyway, I've never really had a problem with breastfeeding in public. It's always been a very natural process in my mind, and while my own mom was very discreet about breastfeeding, I did not mind other women being less discreet.

Which is why I was a little suprised at how shy I was about breastfeeding in public today. I knew it was natural, I knew I was in a place inhabited only by women, I knew my baby girl was hungry and depending on me for sustenance, and I knew I had deliberately not packed any milk because it was time to do this. Yet when the time came, I hesitated. This bothers me, because as a mother and as a foodie, breastfeeding should totally delight me. It's gourmet motherhood at it's best.

I have since resolved to conquer any misgivings I have because I know that I am doing the right thing. While I will be careful to be discreet and respectful of others (who may not be as open-minded as I would hope) I will not be banished to a back room. Nor will I be confined to my home. How can I be expected to be a good mother, to teach my daughter about the world, if I cannot take her into it?

I am happy to report that I did not receive a single dirty look or rude comment while I fed Livie. I am also happy to report that she did a great job of eating on the run, and I'm so stinking proud of all the progress she's made. It seems a shame to waste it by not showing off her new skills, eh?

I'd like to hear what others have to say on the subject. I've posted a poll on the right, but please leave a comment as well, because I'm really interested to see what the consensus is among my friends and family.

sorry, grandma

I've been meaning to post this stuff for ages, but haven't really had much time to do so! My mom's dying for pictures and videos, though, so here you go, mom. This stuff may be boring to anyone without a vested interest in my baby, so you've been warned.

I however, think she's perfect. I could look at this stuff forever if I wasn't so busy with the real thing!

Three months old on Saturday, and this is what's new with Olivia:

1. She's a pro at holding her head up. Her occupational therapist was really impressed with the improvement from just two weeks ago. In fact, he says she's advanced for her age at sitting up. Boo ya.

2. She's cooing and talking non-stop. Especially for Aunt Lizzy, as you can see in the video. She just loved conversing with her. She's still not much of a crier. She can definitely express dissatisfaction, but just seems to be mostly satisfied with her life.

3. This is my favorite bit of news. She really only needs her tube for night time feedings these days. She's breastfeeding during the day, and does really well at it. It's turned into our favorite thing- not just my favorite, but hers, too! She stops every now and then to smile and coo, then gets back to business.

4. Still sleeping through the night! We have a perfect baby. She did wake us us the other morning at six, an hour before her feeding, by smacking her lips really loudly. She seems to have discovered her lips and tongue, because she just loves to lick and smack. lick and smack, lick and smack. Every time I pick her up, she licks my shoulder and smacks my shirt. I rather enjoy it!

5. Eyes still blue, but the red hair seems to be taming and turning brown. She still looks remarkably like her daddy, but a few people swear she sometimes resembles me when you squint. I still don't see it, but it's nice of them to say. Good thing Charles is so good-looking!

6. We were bored of Settlers the other night, because Charles kept winning. So we pulled up Texas Hold 'Em on wikipedia and taught ourselves to play. It's actually pretty fun! Mostly a psychological game, from what I can tell. We don't play for money or anything, obviously, but we've decided (we being Charles, Lizzy and I) that there are very many genres of poker that we need to explore. There's Ocean's Eleven style poker, Richard Gilmore style poker, boys night out style poker, smoky backroom in chinatown style poker, etc. We are slowly working our way through them. These are our poker faces. And yes, we wear hats and sunglasses. We're that serious about the game.

bleh

I've lost my muse. Ever since the first bout of morning sickness, I haven't felt like cooking. Someone please remind me how fun it used to be. What did I ever see in it? If I don't figure it out soon, I'm going to have to find a new hobby.

Dear Aunt Lizzy

Your computer is here. I had to throw myself in front of it to keep my mom and dad from opening it. My dad almost lost a hand, as you can see from the video, but your computer is safe for the time being. I got your back.

Love,

Livie G

The many faces of Miss Olivia Grace

So on Sunday, we decided to host a little photo shoot to see if we could get a good picture for Olivia's birth announcement. The ones from her birth, such as the ones where she's being intubated or where she's hypothermic, are a little morbid and I don't like to look at them anymore. So we dressed her up in the cute little yellow sundress Ben and Ashley gave us, put some giant gerbera daisies around her, and started clicking.

This is the one we got for her announcement. I love this picture. This picture shows off what a sweet and amiable kid she is. She's generally a pretty happy and inquisitive little girl. She fusses for about five minutes before she falls asleep, just to let us know that she's not happy to be awake. And she gets mad if you let her go too long without food. But the rest of the time she's content to lay in your arms, on the floor, in her swing, in her bouncy chair, in her bed, or wherever, and just talk and watch the goings-on around her.

That's why I love these other pictures more than that picture. These pictures show the true, interactive, inquisitive and entertaining sides of my daughter. She cracks me up 24-7. Maybe it's not healthy for her self-esteem to laugh at everything she does, but I just can't help it when she sneezes and farts at the same time. Or when she burps and startles herself. Or when she laughs out loud in her sleep. Yesterday when she laughed in her sleep, Charles and I laughed out loud, and she thought that was funny and kept laughing. I stinking can't get enough of this baby.

Free at last!

Olivia's been home for a week and half today! I didn't post right away because things have been, as I'm sure you can imagine, slightly hectic. There's the usual new baby stuff: sleep schedules, feedings, burpings, diapers, tummy time, milestones, etc. Add to that the newness of her feeding tube, a brand new case of reflux, and a delightful case of MRSA, and you've got a recipe for sleep-deprived parents!

We went to the doctor about every day Olivia's first week home. We had her first "normal" doctor's appointment, where we learned that in some circles, Olivia's problems are considered easy. The occupational therapist and the family coordinator that were sent to our home from early intervention also seemed to think that she's doing ok. We were feeling pretty proud of ourselves for impressing them all when the doctor called to tell us that Olivia's bandage dressing, which she had cultured two days previously "just in case" had come back positive for MRSA. One look at what webMD.com had to say about MRSA had me in almost in hysterics.

Luckily, Olivia's brand of MRSA seems to be isolated to her surgical site, and has not yet entered her bloodstream or spread to other parts of her body. She is on a ten day course of antibiotics to be completed on Tuesday, and we are now using gloves when we clean her wound site. Considering that Charles and I are both uninsured, we really can't afford another case of MRSA in the family. We are so grateful that our doctor had the foresight to randomly culture Olivia's dressing so we were able to catch this before it spread to her lungs or her bloodstream. She seems to be responding to her antibiotics, so we're praying that it just stays contained and that she keeps fighting it.

On a lighter note, Olivia's kicking butt on this feeding thing. She pretty much sleeps through the night, and we have yet to be able to wake her up to eat, so the tube comes in pretty handy for keeping her hydrated and nourished. But during the day she's wide awake and seems to be really enjoying eating these days. Today she nursed for a whole feed- something she's never done before. When we nursed in the hospital, we always weighed her before and after, and I was always shocked at how little she got into her system for how long she sucked. So when she fell asleep after nursing today, we went ahead and "topped off" with her tube; we were shocked when she woke up suddenly and spit up about as much as we had just put in her tube. Apparently she had eaten an entire feeding for the first time in her life, and she was completely full! I can't even tell you how happy that made us- I had only thought to try nursing today to see if she even remembered how to do it, since we haven't done it for weeks. She latched on like she'd been doing it for months, and didn't let go until she was full and asleep.

I'm beginning to think everything they told us in the hospital was a lie, and they just wanted to keep her there because she's so cute. Selfish jerks.

Since I know you're all here for the pictures, I'll stop rambling and get to the good stuff. Enjoy!

.

home cookin'

My mom's staying with us until Saturday, which means a delicious home cooked meal of my choice every night until then. My mom is the world's best cook. I'm admittedly second best, but I would never challenge my mom to a cook-off. She tends to crush her competition under the weight of chocolate chip cookies and other homemade delicacies.

It's been really fun to see my mom and my baby together. My mom reminds me so much of my own grandma when she's with them; I've caught myself impersonating my own mom to my daughter, too. I guess it's a good thing I like my mom and grandma so much, because it looks like I'm destined to turn into them. Albeit a little ruder. I tend to shock my mom and grandma with my antics and shenanigans.

Olivia's still working on the eating thing. We're going to reevaluate with her occupational therapist and her neonatologist on Monday, and decide whether she's ready to go home without a feeding tube, or if she needs to have a feeding tube surgically installed in her tummy. The thought of that breaks our hearts, but it would be temporary, and it would at least mean she could come home. I really think that if we could get her home and start teaching her about her family and about how parents are always there for you, she'd do better. Her nurses all love her to death, and we really really are grateful for them, but they still change out every twelve hours with the shift change, and I think consistency is going to prove beneficial for Olivia.

This kid has my heart in her tiny little palm. It hurts when she cries, and I can't help but laugh out loud when she smiles. I find myself doing everything in my power to get her to smile, and it's so worth the effort for her gummy little grin. turns out she loves bathtime. She just revels in the shampooing experience, with her eyes and mouth wide open, grinning every few minutes. My daughter is so stinking cool.